This is where I am at

I enjoy sitting back. Relaxing. Being a homebody at times. Watching. Reading. Observing. I like these things. I struggle with these things….I am good at living life safely.

In nearly every season of my life, there are opportunities that I have passed up. Sometimes the decision was good…not going to this party, not hanging with that person, not dating that guy. I have an underlying sense of knowing if something will not be profitable that I have learned to trust.

However, the decision to pass up opportunities was not always the best choice. I did not Rush in college because (A) my parents really didn’t want me to, and (B) I was afraid; afraid of not fitting in. Before college I decided I would try out for the Texas Tech dance team…I got to the auditions, looked around and left after 15 minutes because I didn’t believe I was good enough. When we lived in Dumas I waited a whole year before volunteering in the church (outside of the youth group), because I felt like an outsider. This past summer I thought of auditioning for a certain famous reality singing competition, and even had the encouragement of my husband…but after thinking about it for too long, I changed my mind. Let me point out the obvious - my choices were not made out of any moral conviction- no they resulted from a desire to stay in a place void of risk or hurt.

Now- let me clarify that I’m not saying I regret the life I have or even the decisions I have or haven’t made. I am grateful for the ways God has blessed me. I am sharing a pattern that I notice.

I too often live my life by making decisions that will take me down the easiest path, with the most comfortable result. The hardest reality of this, is the fear that even in my walk with God, I watch carefully from a distance. Very cliché statement. But I do fear it! I read about people who’s lives are being changed daily and I look for a change in myself and frankly don’t see any. In daily living, my prayers are half attempted, my bible skimmed too briefly, and my self not surrendered to Christ doing a work in me. I don’t look for moments. I don’t expect transformation. I do enough to get by- while sitting too far away to hear His voice as He calls me. I know He is there, I know I am in His hand. This has been my safe haven, and while it is a precious truth that I don’t have to do anything to earn his Love, I DO long for more! I want to be challenged so that I will know more than the safety of His hands in my already safe life. I want to appreciate His safety, love and beauty and grace and sacrifice in a real and raw way. How can I appreciate something watching from a distance?

Here is an example of what I am trying to convey: My sister recently left family and friends and her country to share the gospel in a nation completely foreign, with no familiar face to welcome her. As I stated in a previous entry, she is able to say that “each day holds evidence that He is near.” Would she have appreciated His nearness in such a way if she where not at the exact place that she is? Similarly, when I say I want to appreciate the wonderful attributes of God, I mean I want to RISK- that I might KNOW Christ even more intimately.

I cannot write this entry without giving credit to one work that God HAS done in me, and is still, through the challenge of marriage. It IS the hardest “experience” I have had in my life. For me learning to forgive, be forgiven, hold my tongue, and serve without expectation were some of the hard things. In turn, I have come to appreciate the gospel message which is one of sacrifice, forgiveness and humbleness. I would never ever want anything other than the truth that I know because of the challenge of marriage and in a fearful, excited way, am fuelled by the knowledge that in risk comes blessing. I must point out that risking that comes with hardship is so so different from dealing with a hardship that comes without invitation- I risked getting married; my mother in law did not risk getting cancer.

My mind has been all over the place regarding this topic- bottom line is this :

James 1:
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
……
12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

(cool sidenote- it just came to me that I wanted to end with this verse but couldn’t remember where in the bible it is, but I opened my bible and there it was on the exact page of the verse)