What Happened Last Night

I closed my journal, laid it on my nightstand and switched off my lamp. I reflected on the words I had just written- my entry that day was titled "Things I Love About Dillon." I had written the list because my heart was full and I wanted to take a moment to thank God for all the unique ways Dillon has blessed me. Now, I laid back into my pillow, content, and closed my eyes for the night. The space next to me was empty, as Dillon woulnd't get home until late after his soccer game.

Some time later, I woke up to hear the jingle of keys and the loud crack of the door opening as Dillon arrived home. Hear me when I say that I take full responsibility for my response- but let me at least preface to say that I am a different person in the middle of the night. My thinking is hazy and my "midnight madness" comes out.

Now awake, I laid there for what seemed a looong time (at least 3 minutes) waiting for my husband to join me, which he never did,...so I decided to do what anyone in my situation would do- I picked up my cell phone from my nightstand and called him in the next room.

 

"Um what are you doing."

"Taking off my shin guards and shoes and getting ready for bed"

"Well it's taking forever and I can't sleep can you please hurry." Click

I'm not sure how to explain why I did that and why I was suddenly extremely annoyed with my husband. But I proceeded to huff and roll over in bed as he tried to quietly slip in the room. My beauty sleep had been disturbed and now it would take me forever to fall back into a slumber. And I told him that. Grumbling and cranky. And then I asked if he could turn the dryer on since I had forgotten to. He did without a complaint. And eventually, we both fell asleep.

When I woke up this morning, it didn't take me long to remember what had happened, and of course, I was embarrassed and feeling bad about how I had acted. Not to mention- Hypocrite! I had just written a lovely account in my journal about how much I care about him... just words. Without action. The worse part of it, was I already knew that Dillon would not be mad about it, he would accept my apology and move on.

For some of you reading this, you may not think any of this is a big deal. Others of you are thinking how rude I am (true). Either way- to me, it is a big deal because I had already told Dillon I wanted him to play in the soccer game, knowing he would get home near midnight. And I did. He loves to play, is truly talented, and gets a good workout- I want to support him in these things, even if it means I have to sacrifice a teeny bit. But the damage had been done.

I did what I could this morning. I made him a yummy lunch to take to school. I apologized. I complimented his sweater. We kissed each other goodbye, and as I walked to my car, the guilt became replaced with something... I felt a mixture of relief and disappointment. I know that we will be mean to each other, and then we will forgive each other. But I hate that we do it. The little things really do matter and take root in our memories.

I think there are several things I can learn from this situation.

I need to be on my guard. Drama/rudeness can emerge in any situation and for me, now I know that midnight is not my prime. The best thing I can learn to do is hold my tongue so I don't do or say something I will regret.

I need to practice what I preach. If I am truly thankful for this man, I need to act like it. If I say I want him to play soccer at midnight, I can't take that back.

I need to be gracious in being forgiving of Dillon and others because I am in need of it so much myself! Thank the Lord that mercies are new each morning~